32. Kansas State Wildcats
Sweet Jiminy Jingleberry, another bunch of "Wildcats". This group of untamed felines are led by Coach Frank Martin, who is perhaps best known for tearing the heads off of his walk-ons in blind fits of homicidal rage. Of all the Wildcat teams in this year's tourney, KSU has the lamest, most dated logo.
31. Memphis Tigers
For the past god-knows-how-many years, Memphis has utterly dominated Conference USA (Toby Keith's favorite conference, incidentally). They have won six of the past seven C-USA tournament championships, and stomped Marshall in this year's game, 83-57. Next year, Memphis will be moving to the Big East, a conference that actually has some good hoops teams (and not teams like East Carolina, Southern Methodist, and Northwest Tennessee Culinary Institute). Prepare to suck it, Memphis.
30. Iowa State Cyclones
First year coach Fred Hoiberg is a goddamned legend in Ames, Iowa. His experiment in building a team entirely out of ne'er-do-well transfers has resulted in a tournament appearance, without a single misdemeanor or felony! (that we know of)
29. Creighton Blue Jays
The Blue Jays feature arguably the tournament's best white player in sophomore forward Doug McDermott. They also feature the NCAA's worst white person*, sophomore forward Ethan Wragge.
*According to teammate Jahenns Manigat (who is black)
28. Florida Gators
The Gators are led by senior point guard Erving Walker, who is generously listed on the roster at 5'8". Erving is actually closer to 2 1/2 feet tall, yet amazingly has a wingspan of just over eight feet, leading ESPN analyst Jay Bilas to constantly gush over his "great length".
27. Gonzaga Bulldogs
The Zags are making their fourteenth straight appearance in The Big Dance, where they will once again get bounced in the first or second round, further likening Coach Mark Few's last name to his number of career tournament wins.
26. St. Mary's Gaels
Ha! Not one but two Gaels in this year's tournament. I'd imagine none of the St. Mary's players or coaches speak Gaelic, though their roster features five Australians, so they probably know the meaning of the phrase "Who opened their lunch?", which is Australian slang for "Who farted?"
25. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Coach Mike Brey's magical mock turtleneck has worked another miracle, rallying his rag-tag band of pale, lumbering Irishmen to a third place finish in the Big East, and another unlikely tourney appearance. Brey breathed a sigh of relief when the Irish were included in the Friday/Sunday slate of games, thus avoiding a potential game on St. Patrick's Day, and a belligerent Jack Cooley sloshing around the court, challenging members of the opposing team to fisticuffs before voiding his stomach of his Irish breakfast and fifteen Guinesses.
24. San Diego St. Aztecs
Steve Fisher is OLD. Wasn't he like, sixty when he won the championship with Michigan in '89? Anyway, he's made a nice life for himself at SDSU during his golden years. When he retires, he won't even have to move.
23. Murray St. Racers
MSU has had a fine season, finishing with the best record in D1. They've gone so quickly from underdog to powerhouse that they don't really have that Cinderella feel. They're like a mid-major version of Kentucky in so many ways, I have no choice but to actively root against them. Also, they open tourney play at the KFC Yum! Center in Louisville, whose design appears to have been inspired by an actual rotisserie oven.
22. Cincinnati Bearcats
Is it a bear or is it a cat? You can't have it both ways Cincinnati! You don't see Cal or Davidson using a hybrid, do you? There are no Fightin' Crimson Gaelic Musketeers or Hilltoppin' Delta Deviled Aggies in this field, are there? Also, Cincinnati's record since Yancy Gates's dirt cheap shot on Kenny Frease: 19-7
21. UNLV Runnin' Rebels
I've always wondered what UNLV is rebelling against. Were they once considered part of the south? Is it a Vegas mentality? Is it a reference to Jerry Tarkanian's blatant disregard for the NCAA's No Towel Chewing statute? And "Runnin'" kinda sounds like "Fleein'", doesn't it? Too much to ponder! At least with a Bulldog or Wildcat, there's no confusion.
20. New Mexico Lobos
I like how the only two colleges in New Mexico are dancing, yet Illinois can't get a single goddamned team in the tournament? Fun fact: Coach Steve Alford still wears his unwashed shorts from the '87 national title game under his suit while coaching.
19. Wichita St. Shockers
Urban Dictionary references aside, the Shockers have one of the best monikers in the field, if you're really in to wheat. Many of the talking heads on TV and online are choosing WSU as the mid-major team most likely to make a deep run in this year's tournament. On a related note: Senior guard Joe Ragland was voted "Most Likely Not To Be Part Of A Mid-Major College Basketball Team That Makes A Deep Run In The NCAA Tournament" by his classmates during his senior year of high school.
18. Vanderbilt Commodores
Coach Kevin Stallings has no hair, point guard Brad Tinsley has no neck, and the Commodores have no chance of making the Final Four.
17. Temple Owls
OK, Temple, Owls are a nickname I'm down with. Not particularly intimidating but wholly original. Coach Fran Dunphy shaved his famous moustache during a press conference last fall after promising to do so once one of his former players finally got his degree. Upon completing the task, Dunphy eyed reporters and coyly requested that they ask him if he shaved anything else. When one reporter obliged, Dunphy pointed to his crotch and whispered "down there...just because."
16. Louisville Cardinals
The 'Ville bounced back from an up-and-down season to win the Big East Tournament Championship.
Will coach Rick Pitino don his signature white suit once more? Uhh, I don't know, maybe. The only jokes I can think of have to do with Italian stereotypes, so let's move on.
15. Indiana Hoosiers
Well well, look who's back in The Dance. Tom Crean has finally righted the ship in Bloomington, thanks in part to freshman stud Cody Zeller. You smell that? That's the sweet smell of success.....mixed with the rancid odor of Steve Alford's shorts.
14. Wisconsin Badgers
Desperate to win a couple games in the tournament this year, coach Bo Ryan is taking his patented "no-tempo" offense to the next level, instructing his all of his players to move in exaggerated, super slow motion as soon as they start each offensive possession.
13. Michigan Wolverines
The Wolverines look to improve on last year's near win against Duke by actually making it to the Sweet Sixteen for the first time since senior forward Zack Novak suckled at his mother's teet. It should be noted that Michigan last made it to the Sweet Sixteen in 1994, when Novak was four.
12. Georgetown Hoyas
More bulldogs, but at least GU used a more obscure term for their saggy-joweled beast. Speaking of saggy-joweled beasts, Verne Lundquist will NOT be calling the Hoyas' first round game against Belmont, thus ruining my humorous little segway.
11. Florida State Seminoles
FSU got it DONE this season, beating Duke and UNC in the regular season, and whupping each of them again in the ACC tournament. Now that's a team I can get behind. Plus, their starting center, Bernard James, is 59 years old and is a veteran of the Vietnam War. USA! USA! USA!
10. Marquette Golden Eagles
CASH 4 GOLD! (en Eagles) If I had a golden eagle, I'd sell that sh*t and buy somethin' real nice, like a golden owl or somethin'! Seriously though, lots of teams are scared to play Marquette in this tournament, and they should be. Coach Buzz Williams only recruits players who are also highly-skilled in mixed martial arts. Power. Move.
9. Baylor Bears
If a Bear got it on with a Grizzly, the grizzly would bite that bear's head right the f**k off before gettin' it on, just like a praying mantis. Perhaps that analogy isn't applicable to college hoops, unless we're talking about Brittney Griner.
8. Missouri Tigers
Our second band of tigers (ro-arrrr!). Mizzou has shattered expectations this year under new coach Frank Haith, similar to how Prince Penrod Zanzylbon shattered the expectations of The High Duodenal Council in my historical fantasy manuscript titled, Game of Choads.
7. Ohio State Buckeyes
O-H-I-OH-SHUT THE F**K UP ALREADY! Thad Matta's is looking more and more like W.C. Fields with every Buckeye failure to live up to expectations. Jared Sullinger, do the words "Greg Oden" mean anything to you?
6. Duke Blue Devils
Coach K's group may be without this handsome lad to start the tourney, and his effectiveness may be limited due to a right foot sprain, which probably won't be an issue until they meet Baylor in the Sweet 16. In "Where Are They Now?" news, former Duke coach Quinn Snyder is now CEO of Stuff 'n Tug, North America's largest manufacturer of anal beads.
5. Kansas Jayhawks
Point guard Tyshawn Taylor and power forward Thomas Robinson are a lethal inside-outside combination, kinda like The Sinful Centipede, part of the 2012 Spring Collection from Stuff 'n Tug*.
*This portion of March Madness brought to you by Stuff 'n Tug. Our products are locally source and made and tested right here in the USA.
4. Michigan St. Spartans
Remember what I said I'd do if I had a golden eagle? Scratch that. I'd sell it and get me a golden bust of MSU coach Tom Izzo. Shooting for his seventh Final Four in fourteen years, T.I. will lean on his floor general, senior point forward Draymond Green. Green goes by the nickname "Day Day", which is a marked improvement from his moniker as a freshman, "Titties".
3. North Carolina Tar Heels
Coach Roy Williams hopes to control his unpredictable bouts of vertigo while roaming the sidelines this postseason. Surprisingly, the coach's condition is not the most rare on this team, as freshman James Michael McAddo suffers from "The McAdoos", a condition characterized by periodic episodes of high-pitched screeching that emanates from small openings in the afflicted person's armpits, and for which McAdoo is the only known case.
2. Syracuse Orangemen
What a season for the Orangemen, the majority of whom, let the record show, are black men. Despite the accusations of child sex abuse by former assistant coach Bernie Fine earlier in the season, 'Cuse has persevered. Now they begin the tournament without sophomore center Fab Melo, who has been declared academically ineligible. Can the Orangemen overcome adversity once again? Somewhere, Bernie Fine sits in front of a computer and strokes himself.
1. Kentucky Wildcats
Freshman Anthony Davis has been a dominant force in the paint all season long. His ability to block any shot attempted in the Northern Hemisphere has induced numerous seizures in ESPN's Jay Bilas and has necessitated the installation of a third pig's heart in the chest of his wily colleague, Dick Vitale. Coach John Calipari is the Joe Pesci to Rick Pitino's Robert De Niro. Calipari has never won a national championship, and his entire roster is expected to declare for the NBA Draft after the season. The time is now Coach Cal.
As these are just another bunch of Wildcats, I'll stick with that motley crew of chain-smoking bourbon-swillers that kicked this whole thing off...and who rallied from sixteen points down last night to win the first game of the tournament...Go Hilltoppers!
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