March Madness 2012 - Teams 33-68

Image via espn.com

It's the Monday after Selection Sunday, and for us here at RAJ, the most wonderful time of the year. To kick off March Madness, we've provided a completely inaccurate and unhelpful breakdown of the 72 teams invited to The Big Dance. Our listings are in ascending order, as ranked by the NCAA Selection Committee, from the interloping Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky University to fellow Bluegrass Statesmen and favorites to win it all, the Wildcats of UK.

68. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

WKU earned their nickname by winning the inaugural championship in the first sport sanctioned by the NCAA, Hill Scrambling.

67. Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils

MVSU has the coolest nickname of any team in the tournament. On a related note, they are also Robert Johnson's favorite team.

66. Vermont Catamounts

Vermont's leading scorer is named "Four", which coincidentally is also the number of torn ACLs suffered by their third leading scorer. The Catamounts return to the dance for the first time since 2005, when they became one of a growing number of teams to find Gus Johnson's G-Spot.


65. Lamar Cardinals

Lamar is named after Lamar Latrell, a character in the 1984 film Revenge of the Nerds. The Cardinals are coached by Pat Knight, son of the cantankerous Bobby, who gave us this tournament gem.

64. UNC Asheville Bulldogs

The Bulldogs roster includes Kyle Hornsby, son of Bruce Hornsby (of "and The Range" fame). One of about 112,000 teams in this year's tournament nicknamed "Bulldogs".

63. LIU-Brooklyn Blackbirds

Otherwise known as "The Crows". Won conference tournament in convincing fashion over arch rival BU-Long Island (otherwise known as "The Ravens").

62. Norfolk State Spartans

The other "Spartans" in this year's tourney, NSU tops Michigan State in number of players on their roster named "Brandon" with twelve.

61. Detroit Titans

The Titans are led by sophomore star Ray McCallum, Jr., a former McDonald's All-American who turned down offers from perennial powerhouses Kansas and UCLA to play for his father (guess his name and what he does for a living!).

60. Lehigh Mountain Hawks

Lehigh is located in eastern Pennsylvania's Lehigh Valley, and takes its nick name from the mammoth winged beasts that soar down from the nearby mountains each spring and pluck terrified coeds from the quad, which they take back to their nests to devour and regurgitate into the open mouths of their newly hatched hawklings.

59. Loyola (MD) Greyhounds

Loyola makes it a point to continually clarify that their nickname is derived not from the young, vibrant, fleet-footed kings of the race track, but from the retired, aging, arthritic, animals that people adopt and then put sweaters on when they take them out for walks.

58. St. Bonaventure Bonnies

Yes, the Bonnies. Their mascot appears to be some sort of wolf. Whatever, at least it's not another bulldog.

57. Belmont Bruins

Belmont is a Christian school in Nashville. Their mascot is a big furry bear who wears a chastity belt.  They were a popular upset pick last year but got smoked by Wisconsin. Thanks, Lord!

56. South Dakota State Jackrabbits

Led by the Great White Nate, SDSU is playing in their first Big Dance*.

*Not to be confused with the annual Rapid City Big Red Barn Dance


55. Montana Grizzlies


I went hiking in Yellowstone last summer, exactly one day after a guy was eaten alive by a grizzly in the park. You listening Belmont Bruin?!

54. New Mexico State Aggies

My fiancee had a great aunt Aggie. I say "had" because she passed away a few weeks ago. Take that any way you like, NMSU.

53. Davidson Wildcats

Which brings us to the cat equivalent of "Bulldogs". Yawn. I know I'm getting personal with these but I used to work with a guy who played baseball at Davidson. He was a titanic d-bag (and still is, to be sure). That's two strikes, Davidson. You're on thin ice!

52. Ohio Bobcats

Sweet merciful Christ. Between Bobcats and Wildcats, this is turning out to be a very "catty" tournament. If I ever open that gay bar I'm always blabbing about, it will be called Wildcats-Bobcats!


51. Long Beach State 49ers

LBSU played a bunch of ranked teams earlier in the year and lost to all of them. Time to get back in the FAIL saddle, 49ers!

50. Iona Gaels

I have my own personal reasons for loving that nickname that I'll spare you here. The Gaels (snicker) are a controversial pick by the selection committee, but they have a couple of stud guards that are capable of propelling them on a VCU-type run deep into the tourney. Hmm, that might actually be an accurate analysis. Glad I got that outta the way.

49. Virginia Commonwealth Rams

Speaking of VCU, they're back for a chance to repeat their magical run from last year. Their coach's name is Shaka Smart (best coach name in the tourney?).  If he is indeed smart, he'll take the Illini job now that Bruce Weber has been s**t-canned.

48. Brigham Young Cougars

More cats! I really wish the Maine Coons and the Northern California Hairless had also made the tourney. (Note to self: change name of gay bar if opened in San Francisco) Anyway, BYU, Mormons, Jimmer, polygamy, yadda yadda yadda...

47. South Florida Bulls

USF has a guy on their team named Jawanza Poland. Just for the record, he is not from Poland, nor does he appear to be of Polish descent.

46. Harvard Crimson

Harvard makes the Big Dance for the first time since 1946, when they were led by their 5'9" All-Ivy League center Archimedes "Numbers" Cabbageworth (#13 in photo). Former team manager Conan "Ginger Spice" O'Brien is reportedly elated over the news.

45. California Golden Bears

One of only two teams from the Pac 12 to make the tournament, Cal will play South Florida in one of the "play-in" games on Wednesday night. Cal is led by senior Jorge Gutierrez, whose name, unlike Jawanza Poland's, is not as misleading.

44. Colorado Buffaloes

The other Pac 12 team in, Colorado surprised a lot of folks by winning the conference tournament. Then again, they also surprised no one in winning the automatic tourney bid, as it is the abhorrently bad Pac 12.

43. Texas Longhorns

The Longhorns have been as unpleasant to watch this year as the pukey rust orange on their uniforms. Their best player is J'Covan Brown, who looks nerdy enough to star in that Urkel 2.0 pilot that's been making the rounds in Hollywood as of late.

42. North Carolina State Wolfpack

NC State's mascot should be able to take down that of any other, as it is a pack of wolves. Mark Gottfried's team is a pack of underwhelming, should-be NIT participants.

41. Colorado State Rams

More rams! I sure would love to see CSU and VCU "butt heads" (rimshot). Also, I don't recall both Colorado and Colorado State making the NCAA Tournament in the same year. Googling....Googling....aaaaaand lost interest before I could find out. Let's just say it's been a real long time.

40. Xavier Musketeers

XU are tourney regulars, though this year's team struggled and ultimately FAILED to live up to preseason expectations. That was due in part to the slightly distracting brawl during their game with Cincinnati way back in December. Pre-brawl: 9-0 Post-brawl: 13-12  Like Kenny Frease said: Ouch.

39. Virginia Cavaliers

Hey, Musketeers and Cavaliers! NOW I have my name for the gay bar. Virginia is back on the path to relevance in the ACC. Dave Matthews is from Charlottesville, so he's excited, right? Ehh, who cares.

38. West Virginia Mountaineers

Coach Bob Huggins is well on his way to achieving his master plan of wearing a Nike muumuu on the sidelines during games. Congrats, Bob, your team was on the wrong side of the bubble and still managed to go dancing. Time to celebrate with a family-size KFC bowl!

37. Purdue Boilermakers

The Robbie Hummel Farewell Tour continues. Only another game or two left until Robbie finally joins the family figurine business full-time.

36. St. Louis Billikens

Between Huggins and St. Louis coach Rick Majerus, this Nike muumuu line might just have legs. Rick is back in the tourney with his second team after leading Utah to the Final Four in 1998. Still not sure if I believe that dumping-in-a-towel story.

35. Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles

Team #2 from good ol' Mississipp. Also, one of two Golden Eagle teams in the tourney (Marquette being the other). Notable for being Brett Favre's alma mater, and not much else.

34. Connecticut Huskies

Last year's champs, the Huskies have struggled this year, while crotchety old Jim Calhoun has battled health issues. Another team in by the skin of their teeth, but unlike Texas and NC State, UConn has enough talent and experience to make a run if they get their act together. Also, I hope to one day own a Husky.

33. Alabama Crimson Tide

Ehhhhhhh. What the hell is there to say about the basketball version of the Crimson Tide? Do 'Bama football fans even care about the hoops team? Do they know there's a hoops team? Oh yeah, this guy does.

So, that's the lower half of the field. We'll have teams 1-32 tomorrow featuring...more cats!

Image via cut-cats-pic.blogspot.com